I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. And I never
figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. And
I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state
of turmoil when it hears the words "I do."
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion
starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it. I just want
you to hold me." I said, "WHAT???"
So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains
that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I'm thinking,
"What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was going to happen
that night, so I went to sleep.
The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked
around with her while she tried on three different, very expensive outfits. She
could not decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She
then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say
OK. And then we go to the jewellery department where she gets a pair of diamond
Let me tell you. She was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave
short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me
when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I
think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost
sexually excited from all of this, and you should have seen her face when she
said, "I'm ready to go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel like
buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face. It went completely
blank. I then said, "Really, honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You
must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
I figure that I won't be having sex again until some time after the Spring of
2008 but godammit it was worth it.