Happy, laughing, and smiling,
Getting along with just about everyone.
You have no enemies, you’re happy.
Then one day you realize it was all a lie.
You do what came natural as a child.
You build up walls of defense.
“Do not, Can not let anyone or anything in.”
And you learn to survive.
You have spent so much time on maintaining these walls that
Your hair gets more gray, your health slips, you loose sleep but you never realize it.
In time you make friends again, you go out with your friends but still keeping up the walls
Unknowingly the vibe that surrounds you still says “Leave me the fuck alone.”
You laugh, you smile, you watch your friends go through relationships.
You watch them live, love, smile,
They are happy. You are surviving.
You are the good parent.
You make your child your life,
You do everything to make sure they are happy, healthy, loved,
And know that no matter what you are there for them, always.
In their eyes mom is strong, happy, loving,
She can speak her mind and not give a shit about what people think.
She is there for them, defending them, always.
And she is happy. Or is she.
Then finally one day comes and something has happened so that
The walls around you which are now 20 feet high, have become unstable and crash.
You realize what you’ve been doing has been nothing but a lie.
You weren’t happy, you weren’t truly smiling, you still don’t trust your friends.
But you want to.
You want to laugh, you want to live, you want to be happy, you want to love,
You want to feel, but how.
The walls are down and you realize you have spent your life walking around in a fog.
Times have changed, people around you have changed, but you’ve survived it all.
You went with the flow and dealt with everything that came your way.
Yes you did it on your own.
You’ve hidden every fear and every feeling you’ve ever had.
You’ve survived and given your child a happy life.
You want to truly laugh, smile, be happy, live, feel, and not only love but be loved.
The walls are now dust around your feet.
Can you rebuild them?
Do you want to rebuild them?
Even if you don’t will people around you notice the difference
Or will they continue to ‘Keep the fuck away’?
Suddenly you hear a voice from the living room, “Morning mom.”
You dry your eyes and quietly clear your throat because for the first time in years you have cried.
“What’s wrong? Are you ok?”
“I’m just not feeling good.” you then give him some money. “Would you please run to the store for me?”
The child agrees, takes the money and leaves you alone again.
You then look down at your feet and the dust that was just there has started to reform itself once again.
You close your eyes and sigh because once again you have already entered the fog.
Destined to merely survive without the chance to live.