Demonic Angel (onedemonicangel) wrote,
Demonic Angel
onedemonicangel

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Confussion.....

Ok well I know people are wondering what's been going on with me....I haven't really truly been online or in touch in anyway for a bit.....


Well to sum it up....I life had really taken a turn....
Chris and I had another great weekend together last week....the date was non-stop from Friday night until Sunday evening. We had fun....just hanging out and being together...even if it was just hanging around the house it still felt so right being with him.

However much fun it was I realized today that although I know alot about him I really don't know him.....and there's alot of things he doesn't know about me....things I have no idea if I could ever tell him.

Friday night I went over there...as planned. He told me about his horrible week...and how if he gets into another fight with his boss he'll quit and go home. Not good....not good at all. So much I wanted to say "No you can find another job here and move in with me for the time being....just don't go."

I can't say that though...I've only known him for not even 2 months and we've only been seeing each other for a few weeks....but I wanted to say that so bad...but I didn't....and I don't know if I ever will.

In case some of you hadn't guessed, when we first started dating we started out hot and oh so heavy....I'll admit it....no shame there....and in case you're wondering....Yes some things do definately grow back after 6 years of celibacy. Not really something to ever look forward to loosing again...trust me.

Well I spent Friday night there....this time nothing happened....not a single touch, kiss, cuddle, absoutley nothing. "Did I do something wrong?" I have no idea.

Come Saturday morning he went onto work while I came back to my side of town and dropped my car off at the repair shop for a simple oil change....well around noon he called and invited me to see Pepsi 400 down in Daytona. "Um sure."
"How soon can you be here?"
"My car's not done yet."
"When will it be done?"
"Let me call them and find out and I'll call you back."

Well I called down to the shop and they actually said "Your car is next in line, it'll be about an hour."

Ok wonderful, so I called Chris back and gave him the news....and we agreed that as soon as I got it back I would head out to his place....

Oh and by the way....He finally has a phone!!!! YEAH!!!

Well when it was finally done....may I add an hour after they told me it would be....I picked up Chris and the two of us headed down to Daytona. We got down there and it was a good 3 mile walk from where we had parked the car to the stadium alone...then we had to go around the stadium and up 7 flights of stairs to our seats....mind you...at least we were 3 hours early.

Suddenly the rain hit....now if anyone tried watching it on tv you know there was a good 2 1/2 hour rain delay. I looked like a drown wolf at that point....well at the point when we decided to waste time by walking around and checking out the vendor booths.

I didn't mention...the whole time his buddies kept calling and harrassing the shit outta him....'you effin suck' and so on but all in good fun. He tried to pickup shirts for different friends....but no such luck, there were plenty of shirts but not of the different racers that they wanted.

Mind you...this is also the time I learned he has no patience....between the long rain delay....the bad luck with shirts he was to get his friends....and then to top it off some guy so big sits on the other side of him just before the race starts that this guy takes up not only his seat but also half his buddies and even part of Chris'. NOT GOOD. Now alot of people at some point (even me sometimes) would bitch moan and groan outloud about all this going wrong...nope we left our seats....and next thing I know we are heading out the gate and back to the car when he finally says something about the fatass that plopped down next to him. Oh...one other thing that went wrong....his buddy Mark who was suppose to work Sunday morning, called and told him that he was blowing off work the next day.

Well needless to say...race started at 1030pm and by 1130 pm we're back in the car and on the way home. Shit shit shit.....not good.

Well I'm someone who although I can get up and drive as early as 3am...but when nighttime comes, I need to pull over and get some sleep...so I explained the situation and asked if he minded if we pulled over for the night....'don't matter'
We went down about 2 exits only and I pulled over and we spent the night at a hotel....again another day and night in the same bed with no touching, cuddling, kiss, absoutley nothing. And again I'm wondering if I've done something wrong.

Finally we got him home about 1030am Sunday morning, he asked me to call him, and in return I asked 'Why don't you call me when you get off work?'
"Ok I'll do that." and I left.

I came home, farted around online, took a nap, talked to michelle, played solatire on the laptop, 6pm...no call....played more solataire, made dinner, 730pm....still no call so I called and left a small message "I guess you're still at work. I'll talk to you later.

As of this morning...still no call....Ok I've definately done something wrong...right? If not then he's really not interested in me anymore.

Ok can we tell I'm definately the most insecure person in the world?

Well today was my one holiday of the year to work....so got up...went to work and noticed that the 1 shirt and hat he was able to get from the guy he bought the tickets from was still in my back seat. So 10am I called him....and made arrangements to stop by there after work.

This is when it all went downhill.

While I was sitting on one side of the couch and he on the other...as far away from me as he could get it seemed....I waited until commercial to ask about it. I needed to know if things had changed between us....needless to say either he misunderstood or I didn't explain what I wanted to know clear enough. All I remember is something about me being upset because he's not all over me...and I told him that it didn't seem like he really wanted me around.....and he replied with 'would I have invited you to the race if I didn't want you around?.....that's when I came back with how I was feeling like I had turned into more of a buddy or sister....it went bad.

There was a long silence after that and I did good at not crying right then and there....but things got worse...he went into the other room and came out..."Maybe it would be better if we were just frineds. Obviously just being together isn't enough for you."
"That's not what I ment....it's just we went from one extreme to the other and I just wanted to know why. To be honest I look forward to being with you. But if that's what you truly want. Fine I'll see you around."

I then went out to my car and remembered that my cheep $1.00 purple hairbrush was still in his bathroom....I left it there by mistake last week. So I went back to get it. He let me get it...and I started again...."Thank you for everything, it was great."
"Yes it was."
"I'm sorry we misunderstood each other, but my insecurity with all this and my past..."
"I'm not anyone from your past."
"You're not but....I've been used and mistreated so much and you're..."
"How did I use you?"
"I didn't say you did. I have been before many times over." that's when i started to open the door
"I don't understand how you can think I don't like you alot."
"I don't know....I went from being possitive that I'm the one person that nobody wants to oh my god someone who I like, likes me as well."
"When I cool off I'll call you?"
I simply nodded and that's when the tears broke free, "I like you an aweful lot Chris and that's scaring me." That's when I ran out the door, down the stairs and drove home as fast as I could.

I spoke to mickieluvshouse when I got home....(she's been one of my best friends for so long....even before Fred and I divorced). We spoke for a bit...I went on how "You're not suppose to feel this way about the first guy you date after a divorce. Especially when I haven't really known him that long."
"Whether he's the 40th guy you've seen or the first....you would still feel this way over him. You have 2 options here....Be the Virgo you are and go home, cry your eyes out, lick your wounds, get drunk, and if he doesn't call then you call him in a few days; or in a few hours after he calms down call him up and tell him you're sorry for being a neuoritic (sp?) mess" (well the last part wasn't quite in those words but you get the point.)

I've already chosen to do the virgo thing....Merlin she knows me oh so well.

I hate to admit is but I have to....I've truly fallen for this guy....I meant every word I said to him. I so look forward to the weekends and being with him, I don't care what we're doing it's great. Weather we're just watching tv, out with friends, or he's making comments about how much I'd get along with his other girlfriend (in which I so hope is all a joke), I love every moment of it. I'll admit it here....I've fallen and fallen hard for him.

As for why he's been so physically distant...because he had a bad week at work. I've never known anyone who acted this way over a bad time at work...that's what caused this whole mess.....

Right now....tellling him my true feelings for him s about as easy as telling him what causes my nightmares.

Well I have to go....go figure the rain started when I left his place and now the lightning is kicking in....and here I'm already on my 5th beer in the past 1 1/2 hours.

Talk to you all later....love yaz
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