Demonic Angel (onedemonicangel) wrote,
Demonic Angel
onedemonicangel

Holding on & Being Held.

Sixteen years ago I was stressed beyond belief. I was a soon to be single parent with no college and no experience other than previously being a Navy wife  & working fast food jobs. None of that mattered because I knew I couldn't support myself & my 8 yr old on that minimum wage part time living but just when I needed it, a door opened.
There was a temp agency that  I saw an ad to that I couldn't pass up so I applied with them. Upon my interview I was told flat out "You have no skills. We won't be able to find  you anything" so I reminded them of their ad, "You ad says you'll  find me something in 90 days or you'll  hire me"
That left her with no other option, but in the fine print it was my job to make sure to check in weekly for a position opening or the agreement was null & void. What did I have to lose?
Every Tuesday for 3 months I'd  check in like clockwork  keeping a. List of names dates & times of who I spoke with when. Finally my last call "hi, it's Nadine Roth. Tomorrow makes 90 days, do you have anything for me?" Turned out they had a job they could not keep  anyone at for more than 2 days.  I grabbed it and ran with it.
At the end on my first week, they were offering me a position for when my 90 days was up physically working there through the agency.
Again that was 16 years ago.

Now here I sit, I've  watched the company I've worked many different positions in gradually shrink. What was once a booming trucking company that  ran in 45 of 50 states with 4 offices in prime locations is now strictly a southwest/Midwest company with one office in Texas.
Over the past year I have watch as dozens of extended family members were gradually escorted from the company & I have cried and prayed for all of them to be okay until they announce they found new jobs on facebook.  All while knowing my day would be coming, but never knowing when.
Two months ago we finally got that answer. My little department of 4 people were called into a conference call in the H.R office where we were thanked for being patient and told our final day would be Dec 31st of this year.  After that we were each called in so we could go over our severance contracts.  We actually got a pretty good deal this way, better than others got.  But once my signature went on that paper that's when everything srarted.
I've been sick with chest congestion that builds up during the work week and almost goes completely away on weekends. On top of that there been major pains through my shoulders back & neck that takes sleeping on an  heating pad and pain killers to make it through the next day. Acid reflux from hell has now made its way into my life, and the newest thing,...this is weird.   The left side of my chin and bottom jaw feel like they've been shot up with novicane but neither the dentist or oral surgeon can tell me why.
Here's the kicker. I know we'll be okay. We have no major bills & I have 3 months Retention pay that starts Jan 1st that will equal my current salary, plus 3 weeks severance pay & 90 vacation hours I'm selling back.  On top of that my faith has become stronger.
Sixteen years ago I cried for months on end, not knowing how I would live or raise my son. But He opened the door we needed to make us stronger. Still sixteen years ago stress and worry never made me hurt like these past 2 months have until this morning.

This morning something told me to really listen to the words to Just Be held by Casting Crowns.  I did and for the first time in years I cried. I cried so hard there was snot pouring out of my nose. For the first time in months I am trying to stop holding on to being strong, I curled up in a now soaking wet snot filled pillow and actually felt like there was someone holding me.

The pain isn't completely gone but it has eased up quite a bit. Now I really need to try to keep this up. I need to let go now more than ever. I know He is holding onto me and the right door will open when it needs to. I just need to continue knowing this.

As for my son, Firewalker.  He's now married and currently in the US Airforce.

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